When having a disagreement with one’s partner, what can help bring down one’s blood pressure?
Researchers found that those couples who demonstrated “humble complementarity” reported greater relationship satisfaction after a stressful disagreement and lower blood pressure (Tongeren et al 2019). These are relationships characterized by both partners exhibiting humble behavior (as opposed to one or both exhibiting arrogance).
Even when going through periods of strain (for example, when couples transition into parenthood for the first time), humility has been found to ease adjustment and lower levels of depression. This is especially the case when both partners act in humble ways; humility reduces defensiveness and strengthens trust and overall relationship commitment.
If only one partner acts in a humble manner, the benefits of humility to the relationship as a whole are compromised, likely due to the increased risk of one partner feeling exploited by the other.
So being humble is not only a virtue but it’s also a source of relationship resilience as long as both parties are on board.
Check out the Roots of Empathy Program, that teaches school age children across the globe empathy, developing their social-emotional competence, and decreasing rates of aggression.
When we feel awe, we get in touch with something larger than ourselves. For a moment we transcend the challenging circumstances of our lives and the confines of our self-concept. We feel expanded, savoring of the present moment and, perhaps, in touch with a sense of spirituality.
Researchers recently investigated whether awe additionally helps us when we’re feeling at a loss, deprived of something that we possess (Koh, Tong, Yuen 2019). Given that we can perceive possessions as an extension of ourselves, their loss can be painful and even predict impaired mental health. Would awe buffer that?
Three experiments were conducted examining the effect of awe on real and imagined loss in laboratory and natural settings. The results: participants reported feeling less negatively about the loss of a possession when experiencing awe (as induced, for example, by viewing picturesque scenes of people exploring nature).
Each increase in the amount of awe experienced corresponded with less “troubledness” participants felt in relationship to their loss. The buffering effect of awe was significant and separate from the effect of other positive emotions (e.g., happiness, gratitude, contentment or serenity) in coping with loss of personal artefacts.
The findings suggest that the unique positive influence of awe in reducing negative feelings associated with loss may be due to the diminished attention we give to the self when we feel awe.
The self-identification projected onto our possessions may fade in the wake of being awed by something larger or more important than ourselves. Thus, we become less distressed should a possession be lost. This can be helpful in skillfully coping with future loss – that is, after initially registering and grieving the loss, we can choose to then focus on what inspires us, alleviating negative emotional aftermath.
Want to learn about something awe-inspiring?
Check out recent photographs of the legendary black leopard of Africa, last documented 100 years ago.
Check out Nature Connection, an organization founded in 1983 that brings nature to people who are unable to go outdoors. The Massachusetts organization brings nature programs directly to at risk youth and elders and those with disabilities that prevent them from accessing it outside.
Many different tools and measures exist for identifying what’s wrong with people, especially in the field of psychology. Fortunately, in recent years, people’s strengths have also begun to receive the spotlight, with instruments being developed to assess character virtues and assets.
A recent study of 2274 Israeli children investigated their character strengths (Shoshani 2019). The analyses found that strengths tend to cluster into four core factors:
1. Intellectual Strengths: e.g., love of learning, curiosity, appreciation of beauty, creativity
2. Interpersonal Strengths: e.g., teamwork, perspective, social intelligence, kindness
3.Temperance Strengths: e.g., open-mindedness, prudence, persistence, self-regulation, forgiveness
4. Transcendence Strengths: e.g., zest, hope, gratitude, spirituality
Results showed a negative relationship between the temperance strengths and socio-emotional difficulties, as well as between interpersonal strengths and socio-emotional difficulties. In other words, the more these particular kinds of strengths are developed in children, the more buffered they may be from social and emotional difficulties.
Positive relationships were found between children’s emotional well-being and the presence of the transcendence, intellectual and interpersonal strengths. The particular characteristics most associated with well-being were: hope, love, zest, and love of learning!Virtues such as modesty and authenticity had no correlation at all with emotional well-being for young children, suggesting that some strengths have stronger associations with mental health than other traits.
Perhaps, in addition to the endless corrections offered to children in fine-tuning their behavior, we would do well to reinforce their natural tendencies towards hope, love, zest and learning.
Did you know…
In New Delhi, India, 1,000 schools have added a class on happiness, starting students’ day with inspirational stories, self-care and meditation. Delhi’s Education Minister, Manish Sisodia, was inspired by Bhutan’s commitment to its citizen’s well-being through its Gross National Happiness Index, and the inclusion of a happiness-infused curriculum, now modeled after by twelve countries.
Check it out:
We can all relate to the burnout that comes with exposure to negative events, growing numb to the violence and injustice covered in the daily news, for example. But do we habituate as well to virtuous acts, feeling less elevation after repeatedly witnessing people going above and beyond?
Researchers at Seattle Pacific University investigated this question (Erickson et al 2018), specifically whether moral elevation (a type of awe and uplift experienced when watching people help each other) decreases over time and exposure. They measured participants’ responses to daily videos of people conducting virtuous acts and compared them with responses of participants who watched either neutral or amusing videos.
The results found that, as expected, those watching virtuous acts experienced immediate and sustained elevation in contrast to the other two groups. No habituation effects were found over time, after many exposures.
Another finding revealed that only those who watched the virtuous acts over time demonstrated higher positive affect up to a month later. Those participants also reported having set more compassionate goals during the same time span (e.g., trying to be supportive of others), and set fewer self-image goals (trying to get others to recognize their positive qualities).
Apparently, we do not tire of witnessing virtuous acts. Rather, they continue to move us and mobilize us to act more compassionately and to transcend concerns with our self-image. Perhaps we should take in positive news for our well-being as we do vitamins, to help us keep our minds healthy and our hearts inspired.
Read about Envision Kindness and their study showing how visual images of acts of kindness resulted in twice the amount of joy, gratitude and optimism than images of cuteness (puppies) or beauty (flowers).
Read about the new school campus designed by and for homeless children in Oklahoma City via the nonprofit Positive Tomorrows.
Read about Sloane Johnson, in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, who coordinated life-changing help for the town’s local crossing-guard, Wallace Peoples, after learning of his struggles.
When going through adversity, it’s natural to focus on the fallout from it. To mention that growth can follow crisis, is to risk insensitivity towards the suffering of those in the thick of traumatic events.
Nevertheless, posttraumatic growth (PTG) is a real psychological possibility, just as is posttraumatic stress. PTG includes such positive changes as increased appreciation of life, strengthening of relationships, improvement of self-concept, among others.
How to foster PTG? A 2018 research study investigated whether the process of reflection through writing could foster PTG among a sample of adults who had recently gone through adverse experiences (Roepke et al 2018). The writing intervention used was that of prospection (as opposed to retrospection), that is, engaging future-thinking. Participants were asked to write once/week for 15 minutes about any new opportunities that may have presented themselves since the adversity or that might in the future.
Those participants who completed prospective writing (compared with those who did factual writing or no writing at all) experienced greater current PTG.
The importance of adopting a future orientation in healing from trauma is clear. It prevents us from shutting down. It allows us to identify new doors that may open in our lives after stressful events, and enables us to cross those thresholds and move forward.
Ron Robert, an 81 year old Canadian and former political journalist, decided to cope with his diagnosis of Alzheimer at 78 by enrolling as an undergraduate at King’s University College in London, Ontario. Robert reports that the diagnosis is “not the end – it’s a new beginning” and is determined to change his lifestyle to feel better, even in the midst of cognitive decline. He’s part of the Canadian “Yes I live with Dementia” campaign.
Shall we have a new relationship with the New Year? That could mean changing how we relate to our annual goals and goal-setting. Those who set new year’s resolutions are probably familiar with the optimistic lay-out of long-term intentions each January, only to watch behavioral follow-through wither away by winter’s end.
If we choose to continue setting goals, then perhaps we should implement an approach that supports us in reaching them. Simply telling oneself “Just do it,” like a Nike’s commercial, usually doesn’t cut it. So, let’s go to the research and see what it has to offer.
Woolley and Fischbach (2016, 2017, 2018) have published widely their studies of the efficacy of immediate rewards versus delayed gratification in the pursuit of long-term goals. They found that, even though participants believe delayed gratification to be the driving force behind their motivation (e.g., achieving the final outcome – such as weight loss), only actual immediate enjoyment of the activity predicted perseverance (e.g., people will only spend more time exercising if they enjoy it in the moment).
The sooner rewards are given, the more one’s intrinsic motivation increases, “creating a perceptual fusion between the activity and its goal.” In other words, rewards increase the positive experience of the activity, making it likely that one will continue investing in it.
The researchers also found that the timing of the reward matters even more than the size of the reward: getting a bonus sooner, even if it’s small, has a greater effect on enhancing performance and the grit required in follow-through, than the receiving of a larger reward later.
So whatever your new year’s resolutions are, it’s better to address them in a manner that you can enjoy NOW. Focus on the immediate benefits of the activity, in the moment, instead of waiting for some hypothetical payoff in the future at the task’s eventual completion.
Goal-oriented behaviors should include some element of fun and have treats associated with them, given that our brains are designed to respond to immediate rewards. No shame in that. Maybe we can just acknowledge (and appreciate) that part of ourselves upfront and approach our goals in collaboration with our hard-wired reward-orientation.
Have you considered broadening your resolutions, beyond the scope of improving your body or budget, or organizational tendencies? Intentions can also be set towards prosocial aims - helping a person in need, decreasing another's loneliness, cleaning up some small space outside one's home. It's a win-win, bringing gratification to the giver and receiver.
The material world certainly tugs at us as we approach the holidays. The emphasis on gift-giving can especially assume center stage, causing a flurry of purchasing as Christmas draws near. While the giving and receiving of presents can be fun and affirming of our connection with others, it can also become stressful when it manifests as materialism.
Materialism is defined by 1) the centrality of acquiring material possessions in one’s life, as well as 2) the pursuit of happiness through the pursuit of material possessions, and lastly, 3) the use of these acquisitions to define one’s success. Materialism has been found in many studies to be associated with life dissatisfaction.
Several years ago a group of researchers explored the components underlying this relationship between materialism and dissatisfaction (Roberts, Tsang and Manolis 2015). If we’re trying to feel happy and successful with our belongings, how is it that we end up feeling the opposite?
In their study they found a third variable that came in-between material possessions and dissatisfaction – namely negative affect. Those people demonstrating high materialism tend to also experience more negative feelings. More negative emotion is associated with lower life satisfaction. In other words, we’re not likely to be feeling all that happy and successful as we try to accumulate more material objects in the service of feeling happy and successful!
The upshot? Well, the researchers also found that, when people exhibit high levels of gratitude, the negative feelings associated with materialism tend to abate and even reverse. Simply put, feeling grateful for what you have buffers against the negative effects of materialism.
But it may be better to disengage with materialism altogether (rather than try to mitigate it with gratitude). The researchers found that it takes high levels of gratitude and positive affect to prevent the negative effects of materialism on life satisfaction.
So why not subtract materialism from the equation altogether? We can allow ourselves easy access to satisfaction during the holidays by not wedding our happiness to undue focus on the self and it’s acquisition of material objects.
Do you know about Alternative Gifts International? They are a non-profit organization that enables people to give gifts to those they care about, monetary gifts that help in the solving of humanitarian and environmental issues.
Check it out:
Seeking self-esteem is like trekking through the Himalayas hoping to find a Yeti. We tell ourselves: “Just keep scaling the slopes: looking, achieving, producing, accumulating — and eventually I will get there. I will feel good about myself.”
But when have we ever found the mythical creature? When have we ever found a self that is good enough?
This blog entry continues on the NewHarbinger.com website. Click below:
As we take time this week to think about what we’re grateful for, let’s add gratitude itself to the list.
The practice of gratitude is a gift not only to others, but also to ourselves, as it’s been associated with many health benefits including: greater well-being and life satisfaction, improved sleep, fewer physical complaints, healing from trauma, greater empathy and optimism, and a lower overall lifetime risk of developing psychiatric disorders such as anxiety and depression, alcohol and substance abuse and eating disorders (e.g., Kendler et al 2003; Emmons & McCullough 2003; Wood et al 2010, among many other research studies).
Gratitude involves developing the capacity to appreciate and savor life experiences. There are so many ways to feel and express gratitude. Here are a few to consider:
Though the cultural tendency may be to focus on what’s not going well (in order to address current challenges, solve problems and secure necessary support), we would do well to also practice a grateful outlook.
Gratitude is both a positive emotion that makes us happy and a personal strength that we can build like a muscle. Giving thanks is not just a one-day affair!
I'm grateful for science solving world problems!
Check out the Qingdao Saltwater Rice Research and Development Center and how Chinese researchers have developed rice that grows in saltwater, leading to productive initial yields in the United Arab Emirates.
A recent study of people living with middle stage HIV investigated the effect of compassionate love on their survival (Ironson, Kremer and Lucette, 2018).
Compassionate love has been defined as love that focuses on the well-being of the other person including: supporting the other’s free choice and valuing and empowering them, holding an accurate understanding of the other and their situation, and openness towards spirituality and responding from the heart.
The stress, coping and health status of the study participants was assessed every six months for seven years. The results found that offering oneself compassionate love predicted better survival. This was found even after controlling for other variables such as social support. The findings might be explained, though, by the fact that those who gave themselves compassionate love also tended to demonstrate better medication adherence.
The most significant finding though (not mediated by medication adherence) was that givingotherscompassionate love also predicted survival, whereas receiving it from others did not.
Simply put: giving to others is good for us – whether we give materially, or of our time, or through our compassionate stance towards others. It’s why volunteers tend to live longer; they receive the mental and physical benefits of giving. And now this research shows that, even if we are ill and living with a chronic condition, the giving of compassionate love to others and to ourselves, can also extend the quality and duration of our lives!
David Shutts, several years after receiving a diagnosis of stage four cancer, launched a website helping those with chronic medical conditions find meaningful work. After having experienced the negative impact of his own identity shrinking to that of “cancer patient,” David decided to start a nonprofit that would help people with illness remember their value and contribute their talents to society.
Check it out: www.astriid.org.uk